Monday 31 August 2009

Alcoholics' Are Not Anonymous When Pissed

The life of an average Skins characters is filled up with Sex, Alcohol, continues partying and they may even go to college once in a while. In a time when the Government is continuously telling teenagers to not to drink in excess, not have sex, cut the partying to a minimum and ALWAYS go school, not that it really works, it's a wonder that shows like Skins are allowed on our Telly's, which glamorise all that. I know no-one who has a life like that.

Either way, this blog isn't going to be about Skins, I just thought that would be a reasonably good introduction to the blog. I'm not a big drinker, well, I don't drink just to get drunk anyway - if anything it’s just social thing if I'm honest. I hardly drink at home and I've never really got drunk, but tipsy yes. Unlike a lot of people, I know my limit. People who don't know their limit will drink, and continue to drink until they start feeling funny and inevitably throw up.

I've come to the conclusion that alcohol has the potential to make an evening fun, as well as turn it into a disaster. A lot of people regret getting drunk, and then vow to never 'touch a drop of alcohol ever again' before falling asleep on the toilet and using the basin as a pillow, while dreaming about the next time they'll have some Vodka and Lime. Then the next day you'll find them with a can of Strongbow.

I come from a family who like a drink, as some will be aware. I have a mother well known for her love of Wine, Pimms, Cava, Brandy, RosÄ—, Cider, Beer, Shandy, and more but I’ve not got time to list them all. I’ve also got a Grandad who spent the best parts of his life in Pubs throughout Kent and numerous other relatives who equally love their drink. Yet, for now at least, it's not rubbed off on me, but then you have to bear in mind, I am not yet 18, so I should be typing that I have never touched a drop of alcohol in my life, but I somehow doubt you'd believe me...

I love all these different ways of saying drunk. You could be pissed, rat arsed, bladdered, hammered, legless, mullered, plastered, trousered, or to be more eloquent you could be inebriated or intoxicated. To reference a Michael MacIntire joke, you could use any word to mean pissed. 'Totally Gazeboed' is his example. I quite like the word 'Badgered' to describe ones drunken state, so should you ever need to tell someone that you are drunk, use the word 'Badgered', or if that is to eloquent for you, just tell them 'I'm fucked'.

People’s behaviours change as well when they are badgered, which I find rather humorous. If they're not walking around confessing their love to everyone, whether they've known them for years or just met them, their personality is opposite to the norm. If they're usually a happy, cheery person who is always full of energy; after a few Vodka shots, they’ll be asleep, if not very quite. The quiet person who'd normally sit in the corner is usually the person you'll find on the table trying to dance and sing karaoke after a mouthful of WKD. I've always found it amusing to watch.

I am aware this blog is making me sound like a boring old sod as usual, like the rest of my blogs really, but it's just what I'm like. I don't go to the local park with a crate of Lager and drink until I am totally badgered, but then I've never really conformed to the stereotype of a teenager that the media has created. I'd be useless as a character on Skins.
Anyway, I'm aware that this has been a pointless blog, but hey, it's only been a short one.

Toodles m’dearys
xXXx


Here is a related song by The Lancashire Hotpots, have a listen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_SvILZoQsc&feature=related

Monday 24 August 2009

I'm Running Out of Unconventional Blog Titles

I've had twelve driving lessons, so now I feel it is time to relieve you of the agony of not knowing what happened in driving lesson number nine. I revealed at the end of my last blog (in case you've forgotten, which you probably have) that the lesson nearly ended in terror. That was my first cliff hanger I've done on a blog, and is probably something I won't do again because there was no point to it. Anyway, onwards with the third 'episode' of the ‘Unconventional’ series of blogs.

Driving lesson number nine (which was six weeks ago - seems like ages) started off normally really. I did my usual trip from my house into Canterbury with no major problems. Then I was faced with a Zebra Crossing. As drivers will know (and I now know), you're suppose to stop at a Zebra crossing if there are people waiting to cross. I panicked and instead of braking, ended up accelerating to the horror of the old man with a walking stick who was crossing.
Don't worry reader, the car was brought to an emergency stop by the instructor and the old man crossed safely. This was however, the only time I stalled the car, but technically it was the instructor who stalled it, not me. Anyway, shortly after we stopped to allow me to calm down and get an earful from Yoda's younger, driving instructor brother. After that 5 minute break, I recovered the lesson by doing a successful reverse around the corner.

After a week to recover from that frankly, disastrous lesson, I hit the 10 lesson mark. To mark this occasion, it rained, very hard in fact, but nether-the-less, it was easy to say that had been my best lesson after demonstrating a whole range of skills. I spent 20 minutes on a dual carriageway, which was the longest I'd done in one lesson and was very successful, still having to stop myself from speeding though. Also reversed around a corner, reversed into a parking space in one go and also done a three point turn which my instructor said I hadn't done it properly and wouldn't make it round. Guess what - I did do it! Also done a hill start without hitting any parked cars. I did however stall the car one, but who cares?

Lesson 11 and the sun was out this time. Was another very good lesson I thought, and I didn't even stall the car, which was an achievement in itself. I done a three point turn again very well as well as reversing around a corner. This lesson was more to test my knowledge of the Highway Code and to find out if I had really been reading the books. I got about 90% of the questions he asked me correctly, but then the questions where from two categories; Alertness and about loading cars. He regaled me with tales from years ago when he over loaded his van, and when he once towed a car on a trailer, which began to swerve and how he overcame this problem. These are obviously stories which will help me pass my driving theory test...
I don't want you thinking the lesson went without problems though, because it didn't, but this time it wasn't my fault, it was the fault of the car. I'm not a mechanic, but I think the car had a stroke. All the lights on one side of the car stopped working and every time I used a light on the right side (to indicate or brake) the car kept buzzing at me. Once I got home, I was given a lesson in how to change a car light bulb. This attempt didn't work though and he ended up cancelling his lessons for the rest of the day - and I was only his second student of the day, so I don't think he was best pleased.

Lesson 12 and again the sun was out and the car was fixed. This lesson also went reasonably well and I done a three point turn, reversed around a corner and reversed into a parking space. I still haven't mastered reversing into a parking space; in fact I've not mastered parking the car at all yet, whether it is a parallel park or reversing into a parking space. I did however discover that Canterbury has a very small one-way system, and considering I never knew it existed, I got rather confused. I survived, and so did the car and every member of the public, so it wasn't too bad.

Anyway, in a few more weeks, I shall post another blog about Driving lessons 13 to 16. I'm not really doing this blog to tell you how my lessons are going, and not even to give The City School of Motoring some free advertising, because if that was the case, this blog isn't really doing it successfully. I'm purely only doing this for my benefit. I suppose you could call it a diary of my progress, so that when I finally pass my test and can begin driving around in my Orange Nissan Micra, I can look back at these and think how silly I was getting so excited by going into Top Gear (or Fifth Gear, depending which you prefer).

I am now about to consider putting myself in for my theory test. You would have thought I would have been slightly put off exams for a while after getting my A-level results (which weren't exactly brilliant), but no, I feel like putting myself through more agony of exams. Anyway, so by the time I post another 'Unconventional' blog, I will have a date for my theory exam hopefully.

Toodles m’dearys
xXXx

Tuesday 18 August 2009

Social Networking Has Ended Socialising

Sorry for rudely taking a three week break from writing blogs, (I'm sure no-one missed me) but I am back and intend to crack on with writing a few blogs, and I shall start with this blog, about Socialising on this modern, technological advancement, invented by Mankind, yet not very well known, and it's called 'The Internet'. The Internet, which is also known as the World Wide Web, can offer the user many things, such as watching Monkeys masturbate on YouTube, illegally share music, buy Viagra discreetly, look at the roof of their house on Google Maps, edit history on Wikipedia, watch porn, express their opinion which no-one cares about on blogs such as this and socialise.

Social Networking sites now mean that we can keep in contact with all our friends and family, when at home on the laptop or on a train, playing with ones iPhone, which from a certain perspective, is great. However, teenagers like myself, have become dependent on this and some now don't feel the need to meet friends, as people used to do a generation ago, because sitting at home, watching telly and keeping up-to-date with the latest gossip with friends is somewhat more attractive to some than walking down a busy high street while it's raining and frantically trying to find something to do.

There are different areas of social networking. You have Twitter, which this year has grown a lot in popularity with more and more celebrities using it, and as well as allowing a user to keep up to date with what friends are doing and thinking, it also allows people to see what their favourite celebrities are up to. Windows Live Messenger (more often called MSN) focuses on the basic skill used by a majority to communicate, which is having a conversation with one or more people. Websites like Facebook, MySpace, and Bebo are more general social networking sites, in which you can talk to friends, share images and videos, play games, and many other things, and these are probably the most popular forms of social networking the Internet has to offer.

You could probably call me a social networking addict, however, like most things I like, I find that lots of little things annoy me. Mainly on Facebook and MSN. You see, I no longer use Bebo and MySpace. You could call it an addiction I have overcome. Twitter, I am addicted to, but doesn't really annoy me to great lengths, like Facebook and MSN - or in other words, the things I use the most.

The first thing is Friendship. I have 130 friends on my Facebook and in comparison to a lot of peoples profiles, I look very unpopular, but a lot of people on my friends list, I hardly know and wouldn't really call them a friend in the real world, more an acquaintance I once went to school with, or someone I met through a friends friend once or twice. Some of these people, I have never spoken to in the real world. Another thing is that once they've added you as a friend, and you've accepted it, you both ignore each other. Don't talk to each other, if anything, it's just so they can nose into your profile and look at embarrassing images of me wearing a face mask... For example. Something else that doesn't annoy me, more than it depresses me, is that people will always put kisses at an end of a message (xxxx) and yet, in the real world, I'd be lucky for them to look at me. Hardly anyone kisses me on the cheek, unless they're drunk, so why pretend? If people are going to put a kisses on a message to me, I expect them to actually kiss me in the real world. It's the little things in life, so they say anyway.

Politicians and the police are wondering why there is some much violence in teenagers these days, but I think I have discovered the reason for this: Virtual Violence. I don't mean people playing violent games on their Playstation 3's and whatnot; it's all this nudging and poking you can do. Granted, probably not the most violent of things, but it can escalate out of control. It won't be long before you can 'Slap My Face' and a box pops up saying "Do you want video this and post on YouTube" and an animation with your friend's head on it is slapped, then punched and kicked, all in the name of fun and socialising. Possibly a bit extreme actually, but stranger things have happened.

Then you have all these application on Facebook, which can get irritating after a while. You have YoVille and FarmVille (both things I'm getting slightly addicted to for reasons I don't understand), in which you can have a little virtual life. The former allows you to work, earn money just so you can buy food and decorate your apartment. The latter is a bit more obvious, where your virtual life can grow and harvest Corn, Strawberry's, Plums and many other things, as well as milking cows and collecting eggs. The only bit of socialising you can do on these particular applications is looking at friend’s apartments and farms.
Another application is Friends Facts, in which people answer questions about their friends, and in return, can find out what their friends think about them. An example is "Do You Think John Has Ever Had A Crush On You?" Very simple. Mind you, if you put all my answers together they make no sense. According to one friend, I am a virgin, yet another friend believes I have had a threesome. Some answers are also very soul crushing. "Is Stuart Attractive? - No", "Do You Think Stuart Is Charismatic? - No" and many more along those lines.
Then you have the online quizzes which come with these websites. "Find Out When You Will Meet The Love of Your Life" and "What Michael Jackson Song Are You?" (I'm Man In The Mirror apparently) which are all just a waste of everyone's time - including mine. I can't see any point in them. I don't understand why that's considered part of socialising myself, it all just gets on my tits a little bit.

THEN, you have people becoming fans of every single thing that they can think of. People become fans of 'Kicking squirrels in the face', 'God', 'Big Brother' and during her media hype earlier in the year, 'Jade Goody'. You should have known she'd be mentioned sooner or later. Anyway, people becoming fans of stupid things like that, gives a good indication as to what kind of person they are, whether it's cruel, pissed, idiotic, a slut, or maybe even nice. Some people do become fans laughter and flowers, but why people feel the need to become fans of everything and anything, I have no idea.

Also, you have the option to 'Like' something which another friend has said or done. This is something which people use to the extreme, liking anything and everything. I could change my status to 'Stuart Collyer is contemplating suicide' and in the box underneath it'd have '2 People Like This' and someone would have commented saying 'Lol'. I must come across as a moody old bloke (despite being a happy 17 year old) because I refuse to like or comment on anything unless I really do like it, but mostly, things on Facebook make me apathetic. I would like them to have a dislike option though, not because I'd go around disliking everything on Facebook, just purely in the interest of fairness.

Facebook and Twitter has however, taken away our privacy and freedom of speech (in a certain respect) because secrets can't kept, as someone will have an image of you being drunk, dancing on the coffee table, despite you telling Mummy you wouldn't drink or phoning in sick at work, and being tagging in a photo of you on the beach, smiling and doing a thumbs up to the camera, dated the day you apparently had diarrhoea.

Twitter and Facebook, have allowed the everyday person, to document their day and turn it into a ‘Big Brother’ of their life. People change their statuses in order to tell everyone else what they are doing. It can be anything from 'I'm bored at home' to 'I'm going into town'. Maybe they should change the format of Big Brother next year, where they lock everyone in the house for 3 months as usual, but instead of having camera, they set up Facebook and Twitter accounts and then they update their status every so-often and every night on Channel 4, instead of showing the best clips from the day, the Geordie bloke (called Marcus) reads out the best profile updates of the day. It combines two pointless inventions of Mankind, into one, easier to handle annoyance.

Anyway, a majority of my blog readers, actually read this on my Facebook profile, because (to get technical for just a minute) I set up an RSS feed which automatically posts my blog onto Facebook every time I add a new one. That means that probably someone will ‘like’ this blog and thus continuing the circle of liking everything and anything on Facebook. For those of you reading on Facebook though, this is the address for my blog, in case you wanted to know what it looks like.
www.im-called-stuart.blogspot.com

Toodles m’dearys
xXXx